Flowered Diary- Enclosed Letter

Written to Natalie 2/26/00

i want you to know that even though we aren't friends and you hate me i consider you my confidant. you know the real me, and you're the only one who knows the real me. i'm trying to change and i see that it's a slow, slow process. you might have noticed that i'm trying to be very nice to you. like on the bus and in home ec. when i was making small talk. that's my way of being nice.

i'm not suicidal. but if i ever am, u just might be the first to know. i don't want to put any pressure o you, but for some really odd reason i feel i can trust you.

i'm really honestly sorry for everything i ever said to hurt you. if i was a good friend i wouldn't have said anything. if i had known then what i know now, i would have been a better friend. i'm sorry i wasn't a better friend.

i don't mean to brag. i don't actually thing i'm better than most people. and i know i'm not better than most people.

i always come off as nice but i have a fear of being taken advantage of and i'm afraid if i give i too much i'll look like a push-over and people will take advantage of me. i don't know how to get rid of that feeling. if i got rid of it, i would be able to change more easily.

i want to be a better person. i want to have more than one friend. i need to be a better person. for me. i think if i knew i was a better person, i could be happier. because i don't like myself as a bad person. and don't try to tell me otherwise.

i also want to thank you for everything you have ever done for me. i may have not appreciated it before, but i do now. like when you helped me clean my room. i don't know a lot of people that would have done that. and recently telling me what i should change so people don't hate me. but most important i want to thank you for being my friend. you have shown me so much on how to be a better friend and person. you're dedicated, honest, respectful, cheerful, nice...
that's like everything i'm not.

my mom says that if i give love to the world they'll want to love me back. i hope she's right.

i think i'm putting my trust into you because i want you to like me more than anyone else in the world. i don't mean for us to be friends, i just want you to like me.

i know we'll never be friends again. i wish we could, but i know it'll never happen. it would take a miracle for us to be friends, and since i don't believe in god, that won't be happening anytime soon.

well, i'm going to end here. good night!
lylas,
-a