Flowered Diary- Entry #13

So far I'm way into not wanting to live but no where near wanting to die. Maybe I should take the medicine and do stuff at Mel's [my therapist at the time]. I don't like being depressed. I want to be truly happy. I don't need to show on the outside that I'm happy. I want to feel happy on the inside. But I don't want to do that with medicine or Mel. My life is a mess. That's why I'm depressed. It's just recent events that has made me even more depressed than I was a month ago.

I miss Natalie. I don't hate her. There isn't a word for how I feel. I don't think. It's a combination of feelings sort of. I miss her. I guess I'm mad at her because she does't want to be my friend. I'm sad we're not friends. It's so confusing.

I took 2 Zolof. My perscription is for 1 1/2, but maybe two will be faster and better.

I had my high school scheduling yesterday. I didn't get to take that second S.S. class that I wanted to take. So, I'm stuck with exp. home ec. Yuck! Oh well. I just took it to tkae foods.

I kind of want to be a writer. I think it would be cool.

I hate religion. god is so stupid. I like my theories of deiathieism. It's a mixture of deism and athiesm. Cause I'm sort of both.

Today at lunch Natalie asked me if I ever wondered why everybody hates me. I have. But I haven't come up with an answer. I e-mailed her and in response I asked if she ever wondered why I didn't believe in god. She said she didn't care. One reason I don't believe i god is the cruelty to man. But there are lot of others too.

"A girl's diary is the key to her soul. Read her diary and you've got it." Unfamous quote by me. That's a cool quote. My soul and more is in this diary.

It'sbeen months sice I've been friends with Natalie, yet I'm still sad about it. I wish I could get over her. I probably can't because I won't let go. I have the monkey she gave me for my b-day last year sitting right next to my bed.

More tomorrow.